


Androids, Cheese, and Blockbuster Movies

by Philosophizes



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 20:52:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2555255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philosophizes/pseuds/Philosophizes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Battle of New York, Clint pulls out his binder of 'Rumors and Stories Concerning Phillip J Coulson'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Androids, Cheese, and Blockbuster Movies

**Author's Note:**

> I was just organizing my computer files and found this. It's short and old, but hey.
> 
> Full title of the file was: _Androids, Cheese, and Blockbuster Movies: Courtesy of the Municipal and Private Sanitation, Maintenance, and Workplace Hygiene Technicians’ Union of America_

It got around in the wake of the memorial for the SHIELD agents lost in the Battle of Manhattan that Specialist Clint Barton had a three-ring binder’s worth of rumors and tales about just who Phil Coulson was and how he’d come to be an agent.

“Even the one with the superpowered janitors?” people asked.

“Municipal and Private Sanitation Technicians,” Clint replied tiredly.

* * *

The Avengers spent a day, eventually, going through the binder.

Thor’s favorite story turned out to be the superpowered janitors. That particular tale had Phil Coulson as a stablehand in some fancy riding establishment who joined the Municipal and Private Sanitation, Maintenance, and Workplace Hygiene Technicians’ Union of America. A good portion of the Union subsequently got mixed up in the waste byproducts of evil scheming and took it upon themselves to rectify the problem. Coulson, as their ambiguously-powered coordinator, was then hired by SHIELD.

Steve liked the Army version, where Coulson had the unlikely nickname of ‘Cheese’ and was in an infantry unit with Fury and Hill, far back in the day. Fury, Hill, and Coulson had been presumed dead and suddenly found themselves far behind enemy lines as the Americans retreated. A combination of heroism, sneaking, the sowing of utter mayhem, and the kind of battlefield bonding war movies were so fond of abounded. It culminated in Fury’s lost eye, a truly ridiculous list of military honors, and all three going straight to SHIELD when Fury was given an honorable discharge.

Bruce picked up the ‘Phil Coulson, IRS Agent’ story, and gave his reason as: “Only someone who is used to tax law could take so much single-minded, vindictive pleasure in SHIELD bureaucratic efficiency”.

Clint had a soft spot for an entry that took nearly as many pages as Steve’s to conclude. In it, Phil Coulson joined SHIELD as a means of revenge against an unspecified-but-menacing foe who’d killed an unspecified-but-meaningful part of his family, and spent the entire first half of his career hunting his foe down. Once the foe had been caught- after satisfying amounts of drama and righteous fury and killed in the heat of battle- Coulson took in-house retirement and became the half-desk agent everyone had known and respected.

Natasha thought Clint’s story sounded like a summer action movie with a horrendously fictionalized version of their _actual jobs_ ; and recited from memory an origin tale that pegged Phil Coulson as a corporal watchful spirit who would never truly rest until the world had been put to rights for good.

Before anyone could say something uncomfortably personal or extend the somber silence any further, Tony declared that the standard SHIELD new-recruit classic about Phil Coulson being an android was _absolute **bull,** androids are **way** cooler than Coulson could ever be, why would anyone think that one would be my favorite, **clearly**_ _Agent’s from the idyllic techtopia of the future come to make sure history played out right. Dystopic futures are seriously overrated in fiction and the world’s got **us** now._

Steve just kind of smiled and agreed, and Clint put the binder away after admitting to Bruce that no, he didn’t know which story, if any of them, were actually true.


End file.
